chesneycat

As if I wasn't fragile enough right now, I've just had the wonderful experience of being turned down for the one decent flat I've found so far simply because I'm childless.

Yes, that's right. I'm being penalised because my babies keep dying.

Fuckin' A, man.


On the plus side, at least I'm not this guy:

I have just been informed that [name removed] who came into the Department to discuss climate change about two weeks ago, and has been causing a nuisance on campus, was arrested and sectioned yesterday.  [Name removed] has since escaped from a secure mental unit and may return to the Hicks Building posing as his twin brother.

There's always someone worse off.  Plenty of someones, really. 

My foot hurts. I was resting it on the heater at the side of the bus on the way in this morning, and slowly cooked the underside of my foot without properly noticing.  I also have a whopping big lump and painful bruise growing on the inside of my elbow joint, thanks to the phlebotomist in the gynae ward at the Jessop. She did a good job with my elusive veins though... she needed to get eight vials of blood out of it, so I guess she had to! 
 

...when you cross an astronomer with a turkey baster and some chinese hamsters?


Punchlines, anyone?

You start by counting the days.

Then the months.

Then the industrial-sized pots of folic acid.

Eventually, you count in years.

This is the start of year 3.



I wonder what new things I'll learn this time round?
[Edit: 'stop counting, dammit' is probably a good goal there...]

As I sat on the loo this morning, staring dispassionately at a small stick of coated paper that blatantly wasn't going to be growing more than one line, it occured to me that I have no hope any more. My excitement, my anticipation, my hopes... the adrenaline rush of desperate will-power and the sharp twinge of disappointment.  It's all gone.  I know it'll happen one day, but only because there's no logical reason why it shouldn't, not with drugs that've already worked the once.  But I no longer expect it, or have any realistic hope that today will be the lucky day.  And even when it does, when I do get pregnant again - even then, I'll have moved from the stage of not taking anything for granted (but hoping oh so very much) to just mildly accepting that what exists on one day may never last to the next.  A pregnancy is not a baby, is not the end of the road- it's just one of the stages on the way.

And as for that distant, happy future.  It's so hard to see.

My dreams have been crushed, cremated, and scattered to the four winds, and I can't reach them from where I am.

I am in limbo.

It's quite a horrible thing to comprehend, really.

I am now in possession of a six-month supply of clomid, at the 100mg level.

Yay!

Fingers crossed.  Everything crossed.
Except my legs, of course.

How many times have I had my specialist appointments moved now?  Because the guy wanted to take a bit of NHS time off?  Because so long as he doesn't piss off the paying customers, it doesn't matter?

I'm annoyed about my drugs...

But at least it's nearly Friday.  We'll probably be going out somewhere tonight, or if not, tomorrow.  No idea where, but we both need a bit of fun.

When does "Hot Fuzz" get released?  Not yet, I'm sure, but it can't be far off.  That's a film I'll definitely be watching.