I'm thrilled for her, of course, but I'm also having a damn good cry right now.  If I could, I still wouldn't change anything.  But dammit, it hurts so much.  It's not envy, it's not anger, it's just plain loss. 

Two children that I'll never get to know. One that should have been in my arms by now, or soon.  Except there's no shoulds in life, not really.

I'm grateful for what I've had, very much so. I can see the good in what we've been though, recognise what we've learned.  I had a moment of pique earlier in the week though, when I suddenly realised how utterly banal my newfound wisdom was.  It might as well grow on trees, really, it's that commonplace.  Just part and parcel of growing up, or maybe growing old.  And I guess not everyone sees it, even when it's right in front of them to be found, but... yeah.  I'm nothing special.

I like being special.  It's rather validating, you know?  Still, I guess knowing I'm not means that I can throw away another pair of crutches, and continue whittling away at the next batch of life's illusions.

Fuck, it'd be so easy to become bitter.

But I won't.

On the plus side, this is one of the last hurdles. Yeah, right now I'm flat on my face in the mud on the other side... time to pick myself up and keep running, I guess.