I'm not sure what result I want back from these tests. [Clotting and antiphospholipids, the standard bloodwork for recurrent miscarriage.  Yeah, I talked them into it!] It'd be nice having something to blame, and it'd be equally not-nice to know that there's yet another thing wrong with me.  Still, if either of these do come up positive, they're fixable in most cases, usually just with drugs like aspirin or heparin. 

I want to skip this part though. The doubts, the questions, the waiting game.  I want to be at the end already, looking back, thinking it was all worthwhile.

Some things are already ending.  I don't have to go back into the front door of the Jessop wing again, dodging the smoking chav-mums loitering around the entrance in their dressing gowns.  No, it's the back door of the ACU for me from now on, with all the other failures. Hospital days bring it all home though.  Broken, needs fixing. 



[*grin* Oh, so THAT's where we've been going wrong all this time!]
 
Yeah, I'm feeling a bit low.  Had a good old cry last night... getting the balance right between hope and realism is damned tough, and the impending IUI (impending?  Shit, Kath, it's not gonna happen before AUGUST!) does make me more aware of the prospect of getting to the end of the whole process with nothing but lost years to show for it. [And personal growth, a wonderful life and all those other things I'm not really taking for granted.]  The more you build yourself up, the bigger and more realistic your hopes (and they have got bigger and more realistic for me in the last few months) the more you have to lose.  Oh, it's hard. Trying not to care so much, giving up on the scale of my hopes, that'd make things easier. Anathema, but easier.    Nah, I'll stick to prancing around on the knife's edge, thankyouverymuch.